I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My feet surprised me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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