i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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