and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
