Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
