I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I smell like Dick and happiness
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