so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
