the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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