Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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