Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
