Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
