I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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