I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
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I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
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Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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