Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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