Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
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I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
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I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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