At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
