I think I died a long time ago.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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