he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
