Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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