She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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