I am in a vortex of obligation.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
