you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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