i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
