You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize