I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
