Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
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And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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