i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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