If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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