She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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