I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
