Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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