my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I look better un-naked...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
