I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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