totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
