I cannot find my penis.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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