I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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