I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
