My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
