this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
