I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
