Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
