Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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