dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
