So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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