i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
