so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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