No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
