His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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