How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
