i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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