PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
