I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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