we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
