I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
