Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
