He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
